Daddy Issues
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: Anise just has to raise up the question of whether or not a certain Colonel was Luke's father. Debate ensues, and to Luke's disadvantage, everyone gets just a little too into it. Everyone has their own opinion on the hilarious matter, it seems, even the Colonel himself...however sarcastic it may be.
1. The Awfully Impolite Discussion

**I was playing today when this thought occurred to me...just WHO is considered Luke's father? I know they had a skit with this in the game, but I still wanted to write this since it could've been even more hilarious. I only remembered when I was mid-story. **

**Set sometime during the second half of the game. Takes place near Keterberg, so spoilers up to Mt. Roneal or so.**

**Nope, I don't own Tales of the Abyss...because if I did, this would totally be canon.**

* * *

It would be forever remembered as the most awkward (for Luke, anyway) conversation the party would ever have. Of course, Anise was the one to bring up the horrible question.

"If Luke is a replica," she spoke out of nowhere, causing the group to cease their eating around the campfire, "and the Colonel is the founder of fomicry, does that make the Colonel Luke's father?"

Everyone was sent into stunned silence, most notably Luke, who was gaping like an asphyxiating fish. Then, after a few moments, Jade brought his hand to his chin, deep in thought. "Well, I'd say no. I can't imagine him having any of my genes, what with the lack of formidable wit and intelligence-"

"Hey!" Luke shouted indignantly. "I may be reckless, but I can tell you for a fact that I have a decent brain!"

Natalia raised an eyebrow. "So you're saying he could be your father?"

Luke blurted out a "NO!" of annoyance, but everyone else chuckled.

Jade was still in his thinking position. "Well, come to think of it, Dist could also be his father-"

"I have two dads?" Luke cried. "B-but-"

"Van seems the better option," Guy spoke up in Luke's defense. Luke shot his best friend a grateful look. "After all, he was the one who created Luke himself...although Jade would be hilarious as Luke's dad."

Luke, feeling trapped among these terrible bullies, turned to his savior. "Tear, you're not seriously considering this, are you?"

"Van's not his father!" Tear suddenly and, peculiarly, passionately, blurted out, her face flushed redder than the ripest tomato.

Anise frowned and cocked her head sideways. "Why not?"

"Oh yeah..." Guy muttered. "Tear wouldn't want to participate in an incestuous relationship."

"What was that?" questioned Luke, his face displaying his puzzlement. He looked rather like a bamboozled puppy dog, if dogs could be gingers.

"Nothing!" Guy said with an anxious grin. Tear shot him a death glare but remained silent.

Mieu, ever the supportive "thing", decided to cheer his master up. "Look, Master, if they're all your fathers, then you can have three Christmases!"

"Unless Dist is his mother..." Anise said with a devious grin.

Now it was Luke's turn for his face to flush. His skin actually matched his hair, making him, what with his eyes as well, appear to be a Christmas tree with a color swap. "Shut up!"

Jade sighed deeply. "I should've taught you better manners, Luke." His usual smile returned to his face, and his snarkiness went up ten notches. "Oh well, you're still young. I have many years to teach you, son."

"Shut up!" Luke yelled again.

Jade chided Luke with a waving finger. "Now, now, I'm not going to take you on our father-son fishing trip if you keep up that attitude."

Luke growled and clenched his fists, his rage steadily rising up in him until it reaching a marvelous boil, but the others continued to exchange banter.

"Do you have any baby pictures you can show us?" asked Anise.

"You're such a fantastic father," said Guy, "what with leaving him with me so I could help him grow. Good parenting skills there."

"...I always knew he wasn't true royalty," admitted Natalia sheepishly. 'Now I see where he gets his...out of place attitude from."

Tear, still blushing, remained silent.

Jade shrugged. "In any case, I know that if I had a son, he wouldn't be as childish, whiny, unlovable-"

"I'M GOING TO BED!" Luke exclaimed suddenly, his rage exploding outwards like lava from a volcano. Dramatically, determined to make a scene, the replica stomped off until he entered his and Guy's tent, somehow actually slamming the material behind him.

"Touchy, touchy," Anise muttered.

Again, Jade shrugged. "He gets it from his mother's side."

There was still one question plaguing Guy's mind. "So if Dist was his mother and you were his father, did you guys ever..."

"No." Jade shot Guy a glare as piercing as a thousand heated iron spikes. Guy could have sworn all the ice on the ground within a two mile radius had melted just then. "And frankly, that is quite possibly the most repulsive idea I have heard in my life."

* * *

**I've also heard the argument that Asch could be Luke's father, but I'm writing this with a time limit and I ran out. So...boo.**

**I love writing these characters. This may be my first Tales of the Abyss fic, but Jade is too hilarious, and Guy, Luke, and Tear are also favorites of mine. Who caught the Symphonia reference?**

**I'm considering writing an extra chapter of this even, but that all depends on the amount of reviews and favorites this gets...**

**Every time someone reviews, Jade pets a chibi hamster while wearing a miniskirt and is caught on camera. Please, think of the hilarity!**

**EDIT: Jade created fomicry, which is like cells, and Van took the "cells" himself to make Luke. Therefore, Van is the mother, and Jade is the illegitimate father. I am a disturbed person.**


	2. Night Terror

**Well, I got enough reviews for inspiration for a second chapter!**

**Nope, I don't own anything at all. If only, right? I wish I owned some of the weapons in the game because they're awesome, but I don't even own a Mieu plushie...do they even make those?  
**

* * *

Luke's sky blue light sword clashed with Van's own crimson one as they dueled on the catwalk, both of them gritting their teeth and glaring daggers. Luke allowed his determination to flow through his veins as he pressed on. There it was, an opening! Smirking ever so slightly, Luke nicked Van's shoulder, eliciting a hiss of pain from his former instructor.

Not one to be bested, Van decided then to go in for the kill. Five seconds later, Luke's light sword was plummeting down into the abyss beneath them, and unfortunately, his right hand went with it.

As his hand was sliced off like a piece of cake, Luke shrieked in agony and clutched the cauterized stump, curling in on himself. This wasn't supposed to happen! He was supposed to beat the bad guy, go make out with Tear, and them the two of them would ride off into the sunset on Tokunaga...right? That was how the plays supposedly went, according to Guy and Natalia and pretty much ever civilized being he had met on their journey, only he was pretty sure heroes didn't ride on cutesy puppets.

Van, oblivious to Luke's derailing train of thought, loomed over the poor boy. "There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you," he murmured ominously. He paused briefly, and Luke took advantage of the break to back away from Van and onto a slender extension of the catwalk, stepping farther and farther away until he could only stand on a sliver of metal mere inches wide. "Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy!"

Luke, defiant as always, shouted shakily, "I'll never join you!" He glanced away from Van to gaze into the chasm below them. Geez, that was a loooooooong drop...

Van raised a clenched fist toward Luke. "If you only knew the power of the Seventh Fonon! Guy never told you what happened to your father."

An utterly bamboozled Luke blinked. "Uh, he's back home in Baticul..."

"No," Van said, raising his voice to increase the drama. "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room mate."

Okay, now Luke didn't have a freaking clue what the heck was going on. "What's that make us?"

Van shrugged. "Absolutely nothing."

Not seeing what else he was supposed to do, Luke decided to take the higher road and jump off the platform instead of join Van. As he fell to his doom (he winced when he realized how horribly his body would splatter against the metal down below), memories of his real father flashed before his eyes:

_Jade spoon-fed a seven-year-old Luke some oatmeal, his usual smile on his face as the oats simply dribbled off Luke's face and onto his lap.__.._

_Jade cheered from the stands as Luke batted a home run ball that collided with Dist's face...  
_

_A teenage Luke sobbed into Jade's shoulder while Pokemon: The First Movie played...  
_

_Jade petted young Luke's hair when Luke came home with his first ever B on a report card...  
_

_Luke rocked back and forth, eyes wide with terror, as Jade gave him the Talk..._

* * *

With sweaty palms and quickened breath, Luke snapped up in bed, his eyes suddenly open wide with horror. His head swiveled to Jade, but fortunately the older man seemed to be asleep.

Luke sighed with relief and laid back down in bed, though he refused to fall asleep again out of fear that the nightmares would worsen this time. They hadn't even brought up his mother yet!

* * *

**Me: Yeah, I know, the ending is pretty lame, but it makes me want to write another chapter! At least you got references to Star Wars, Spaceballs, and Pokemon! And, as promised, here's Jade in a miniskirt petting a chibi hamster while on camera.**

**Jade: (Pulls down miniskirt) Have I mentioned how much the world despises you?  
**

**Luke: (Snaps picture) Wow, he actually sounds angry.**

**Guy: Yeah, we should probably start running now.  
**

**Tear: (Eying the hamster) But what about him? He's so cute?  
**

**Luke: (Eyes widen and jaw drops) Jade? Cute?  
**

**Tear: T-that's not what I meant!  
**

**Me: (Sweatdrop) So...did I just make my author's note into a skit? Oh well. By the way, reviews motivate me!  
**

**Anise: ...Could you be any more obvious?  
**

**Mr: Oh, shut up!  
**


End file.
